V-Day, IN OTHER WORDS FML-DAY!


Now, I have no problem with the fact that one day out of the year everyone feels compelled to start loving each other, but I truly don’t see the benefit of Valentine’s Day from the male perspective.  I mean honestly think about it fellas; there are only a number of scenarios that can occur on V-Day/FML-Day/Single Awareness Day/You’re too BROKE TO GET ME A CARD, CANDY, FLOWERS, TEDDY BEARS, A DIAMOND BRACELET, NECKLACE, EARRINGS, OR JUST A PURE BAR OF GOLD SO YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH Day:

1.  Scenario One: You being an ambitious, caring, and courteous individual decide to go out and buy your girlfriend or significant other any piece of V-Day paraphernalia that you can carry to the register.  You wrap it up, put a bow on it, and even get Minnie Riperton  to sing “Lovin You” as your girl walks into the room (that’s quite a feat considering she’s no longer living, R.I.P.). You know what she says?  “Why the hell don’t you treat me like this everyday of the year!?”  You know why you don’t?  Because if you put this much effort, time, and concentration into anything more than once a year, you’d have an aneurysm and die.  Regardless, you end up sleeping on the couch…

2.  Scenario Two:  You being a lazy, uninspired, and indifferent individual decide that you’re going to give your girlfriend a card, a hug, and your best smile.  It’s a slightly moving gesture.  I mean at least you remembered that it’s V-Day, right?  Wrong.  Later that day, your valentine Skypes her best friends Jennifer and Angela.  You know what they tell her?  That their Valentines are the guys from Scenario One and they bought every piece of V-Day paraphernalia that they could carry to the register.  Your significant other then asks you why you can’t be more like the guys from Scenario One.  Regardless, you end up sleeping on the couch…

3.  Scenario Three: The Unspeakable.  You don’t get your significant other anything.  I’m pretty sure no man has been either that dumb or that brave in the last 20 years.  If so, see: Lorena Bobbitt.  Regardless, you end up sleeping on the couch…in considerable pain and discomfort…

4.  Scenario Four:  You being a poor, destitute, but rather clever individual decide that you will tell your significant other about the evil commercialistic interests that underly V-Day because you can’t afford to be the guy in Scenario One and you don’t want to end up being the guy in Scenario Three.  You say something about how love is so much more than flowers and candy and you even toss in a reference to Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations. She even believes you for a few minutes until she realizes that the only reason you didn’t shower her in V-Day gifts is because you spent most of your cash at the bar last night, unexpectedly.  When it’s all said and done, vengeance will be hers and you won’t be receiving your V-Day gift either, if you catch my drift.  You end up sleeping on the couch…

Fellas, there’s no way to win on Valentine’s Day.  So just be happy that eventually your girl will forgive you whatever you decide to do; unless you decide to do nothing.  In that case you’re screwed.  But you just have to make it through this day and try as hard as you can to show her that you love her…and regardless, you’re going to end up sleeping on the couch.

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About AP

A 4th year student at the University of Virginia...
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3 Responses to V-Day, IN OTHER WORDS FML-DAY!

  1. D. Hud says:

    LMAO… there really isn’t a way to win on V-Day… smh…

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