Well, for the first time in recent history, I actually sat down and watched the Grammys all the way through. I missed the Red Carpet and everything, but once the actual show started, I was glued to the TV. In case you weren’t, here’s a minute-by-minute update of what you missed…
8:00 PM EST: Lady Gaga is pulled onto the stage by the black guy from Hairspray, and opens the show with a performance of “Poker Face.” She then goes into a performance of “Speechless,” which she does as a duet with Sir Elton John. She’s also singing and playing on a piano with hands reaching out from the top of it. Creepy. The whole time, she’s looking all glittery and sparkly and whatnot… in a costume that was absolutely ugly, yet completely Gaga.
8:07 PM EST: Stephen Colbert welcomes everybody to the Grammys, and does some great marketing for the newly released Apple iPad, by using it to read the nominees for “Song of the Year.” That’s a funny guy.
8:13 PM EST: Jennifer Lopez comes out and introduces Green Day. Nothing too notable here, except for the fact that she looked like a “wide-eyed doe” in the face, according to a fellow UVa student. And I agree wholeheartedly.
8:27 PM EST: Beyoncé starts her performance by marching out with a SWAT team behind her (*cue Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” music video*) and begins singing “If I Were a Boy.” At this point, I tweet that if Beyoncé actually were a boy, I would question my heterosexuality. She then goes into a rendition of “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette, and then back into her own song. All in all, though, it was a mediocre performance at best. She could’ve done much better.
8:40 PM EST: Pink performs. She comes out dressed like the Virgin Mary, then disrobes, starts flying all over the place as she always does, and starts squirting the audience. No joke. I didn’t see where the water came from, but it was just nasty. She was dripping wet in mid-air. I know all the black women below her in the audience who had just gotten their hair did were royally pissed.
8:45 PM EST: The Zac Brown Band wins the award for “Best New Artist.” Haven’t heard of them? Neither had I. Here’s their Wikipedia page for more information.
8:54 PM EST: The Black Eyed Peas perform “Imma Be.” Nice song, but whoever was in charge of soundcheck should’ve been fired, seeing as how I could barely hear any lyrics. On top of that, will.i.am’s stylist should’ve been fired as well; to quote one of my Twitter buddies: “Hey will.i.am, Chewbacca wants his outfit back.”
9:08 PM EST: Stephen Colbert receives the “Best Comedy Album” award for his Christmas special, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! Starting his acceptance speech, he says, “This is a Christmas album, so obviously I should thank Jesus Christ… for having such a great birthday…” Like I said earlier, that’s a funny guy. (Sidenote: they can air the “Best Comedy Album” award but not the “Best Rap Album” award? Umm…)
9:18 PM EST: Kings of Leon win the award for “Record of the Year” with their hit song, “Use Somebody.” Props.
9:20 PM EST: Robert Downey, Jr. comes out and introduces the next act, saying that they’re going to elevate the level of the performances by coming out and singing opera. He lied. It turned out to be Jamie Foxx, who went from singing opera to singing “Blame It.” Then the conductor of the orchestra backing Jamie Foxx started dancing a little crazy. Just so you know, the conductor was in an all-white suit with white hair similar to that of J.S. Bach. Then he turned around and ripped off the wig, revealing himself to be T-Pain. Then Doug E. Fresh came on stage to perform with them. Followed by Slash. Followed by Jamie Foxx’s sister, who I mistakenly thought was the main actress from “Precious.” Oops.
9:35 PM EST: The Zac Brown Band comes out performing “America the Beautiful” with some guy on the piano that looks like Santa Claus. I later learned that it was Leon Russell. They followed this with two more songs: “Dixie Lullaby,” and “Chicken Fried.” By the end of this performance, I felt so unpatriotic that I was about to drive to Canada. Real talk.
9:45 PM EST: Ryan Seacrest comes out to introduce Taylor Swift, who came out looking like a straight hippie. And her performance was wack. I’m a little biased, as I really don’t like Taylor Swift at all, but whatever.
9:52 PM EST: Lionel Richie comes out to introduce the Michael Jackson 3D Tribute. I was pissed because the 3D glasses that I kept from when I saw Avatar didn’t work. Everything was just mad blurry. will.i.am had a fresh custom pair of 3D glasses though. I was jealous. But Usher, Celine Dion, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson all did a solid job during the tribute, though.
10:00 PM EST: Prince and Paris Jackson come out to accept the “Lifetime Achievement” award for their late father, with 3T (Tito’s kids) standing behind them. At this point, I wonder, if 3T consists of little Titos, is it okay to call them Taquitos? Hmm…
10:08 PM EST: Bon Jovi comes out and performs “We Weren’t Born to Follow,” “Who Says You Can’t Go Home,” and “Livin’ on a Prayer,” the last of which I know all too well from my days of attending parties on Rugby Road.
10:16 PM EST: Jay-Z, Rihanna and Solange Knowles’ son all go up to accept the award for “Best Rap/Sung Collaboration,” which they (excluding Knowles’ son) won for the track, “Run This Town.” Good stuff.
10:24 PM EST: Wyclef Jean takes the stage and pisses me off some more. He starts by attempting to give everyone a quick Creole lesson (“When I say —, you say —“), and then shouting out Haiti, and his wife (“That’s my wife… she’s Haitian too! *laughs*”) I respect everything Wyclef has done in order to help Haiti, but there’s no excuse for him to act a fool on stage and make light of the situation. That’s just my opinion, though.
10:37 PM EST: Neil Portnow, president and CEO of the Recording Academy, gives the annual speech on why we shouldn’t download music illegally. At this point, I stopped listening for a few seconds.
10:40 PM EST: Dave Matthews Band performs. Great performance, except for the fact that Dave Matthews tried to dance, but instead looked like he was having a seizure on stage. FAIL.
10:46 PM EST: Lea Michele and Ricky Martin (I thought he was dead) present the “Best Female Pop Performance” award, which Beyoncé wins with “Halo.” In her acceptance speech, she says, “I’d like to thank my family for all their support, including my husband… I love you…” Except Jay-Z looked dumbfounded after she said that. I feel like they’re having a long conversation about that tonight…
10:56 PM EST: Maxwell performs “Pretty Wings,” and then starts performing with Roberta Flack. Cool.
11:11 PM EST: Quentin Tarantino comes out to introduce Drake, Lil’ Wayne, and Eminem. In Tarantino’s own words, Drake was about to perform with “not one, but two of the most ‘inglourious basterds’ in all of rap history.” Nice plug for your movie, Quentin. Lil’ Wayne and Eminem first perform “Drop the World,” from Weezy’s album Rebirth, with Travis Barker on the drums. Then Drake comes out to perform with them on his own track, “Forever.” It’s ironic that the camera pointed to Taylor Swift, who was standing up and feelin’ the song… since Kanye wasn’t on stage with them. (Sidenote: This will probably be Weezy’s last performance before he goes to prison…)
11:24 PM EST: John Legend and Carlos Santana come out to present the “Album of the Year” award, which goes to Taylor Swift. Of course. She really owes that award to Kanye, though.
And there you have it. That’s the switch. wrap-up of this year’s Grammys. Can’t wait to see what next year brings… hopefully no more awards to Taylor Swift…
(All photos courtesy of http://www.grammy.com.)